Almost all activities require cooperation from others, husband wife relationships in marriage, employer employee relations in the work place, parent children in the family, all of these relationships require getting the best from others, but how does one do that?
Dr. Robert Hartman stated that people on average hold back a significant portion of their cooperation and productivity until they feel validated as a human being. He stated that they hold back as much as 40% of their total capacity, and this is in non-adversarial relationships, such as those described above.
Why would someone hold back such a large portion of their productivity?
Because everyone has a wall of resistance around them which helps them feel safe. If you want the cooperation of someone else, you must take down their wall first.
So, how does one take down another’s wall of resistance? By validating them. Dr. Stephen Covey said, “First Seek to Understand”, so before we can get that close to someone else, husband, wife, child, whomever, we must first understand them. How is this done?
First, you must step into their world and listen, really listen to them. Listen without making any comment to what they are saying. When they say something you aren’t clear about, simply say, “Tell me more about that.” Then you listen some more.
When you ask someone to tell you more about that, you should see a shift in their posture and they will probably take a deep sigh. This is when you are about to get the essence of what is on this person’s mind.
Don’t butt in. You can show your interest by nodding, smiling or frowning, but don’t say anything. If you still have questions about something that was said, you can say, “(Sally) you said such and such, what did you mean by that?” and listen some more.
When this person has told you everything that is on their heart, they will feel validated, that you understand them. They will feel you are truly interested in them.
Knowing that you really understand them, because you listened in a way no one probably had done in the past, they will be more willing to assist you in whatever you are doing and they will do it enthusiastically.
Dr. Hartman says that until you do this you aren’t going to get their full cooperation.
Try it and let me know how it worked out. You can reach me at email@example.com. Here’s to your validation.
I have made it my goal in life to help every Baby Boomer finally become who they were meant to be.